amarie24

So About my Mother and a House

Thu, 05 Mar 2026 23:27:17 GMT

...The more my mother talks about decorating/fixing up her house...the more and more it hits me that she has always had much, much worse than a Fetish For Home Ownership.

I caught hints of it when she stressed over not having a Perfectly Mowed And Green Lawn for longer than a minute. (And, when I made a face after she stressed it for the nth time, she said, "Amarie, just try to think of your neighbors as guests in your house, huh?"). Hints of it when she wanted repeated wanting a carport over and over again (my mother is an Ad Nauseum person, God bless her). And hints of it again when she yet again stressed over the lawn not being mowed for a while after a few months.

And been caught hints of it ever since I was a child and, if we went over to a friend's neighborhood, she caught that it was a neighborhood full of houses. Literally sitting in the car with a jerk of her head going, "Oh! These are houses! They're homeowners!"

Now, our mailbox is a bit broken and tilted due to recent heavy rainstorms. So we need a new one. It's a need; I understand.

We were driving home from work, and she pointed out some of our neighbors' brick mailboxes with flower boxes on their bases. She wants one specifically with a red ceramic (?) cardinal on top, bc it reminds her of her home Chicago, Illinois.

We finally turned down onto our street and she slowed down before we got to our driveway. She pointed at the other houses' black metal mailboxes and went, "See? I'll be the only one with a brick mailbox! Mine will be really special with tulips and carnations!"

And ever since she bought this house in 2022 (?), she's always repeated, "I just want a nice house, Amarie, where your friends can come over for the or coffee! And they see the dining room and living room and the framed pictures I put up in the hallways and I want them to go, 'Oh! Okay!'"

My mother literally says she wants them to literally go "Oh! Okay!" at house decorations.

She has not quite...listened to me when I tried to tell her that 2 of my friends have already visited, seen the inside of her house, and complimented on it.

Not necessarily "Oh! Okay!", but in their own ways.

Now I see...with that comment about the mailbox, I see...

She's really a living, breathing example to me of how...if you only or even majority want something(s) so you can show off to others/gather others' positive opinions of you...if it's about showing something(s) to others, having things that others don't have...

Can you then wonder why you never quite reach what you're reaching for?

comments

I wonder if a lady barista flirted with me today…

Wed, 04 Feb 2026 00:54:12 GMT

Or maybe I’m daydreaming, but…

I was motherfucking exhausted (secondary to anemia…which, long story short I’m seeing a doctor for come next month) this AM and have no idea how in the fresh hell I even woke up.

But I did and, even after my morning nap in one of the clinics’ exam rooms didn’t quite help. (Yes, I and a few other early-bird medical folk nap in exam rooms before clinic starts, haha.)

So I got up and walked across the blissfully cold, cold, cold street to the other part of the hospital…to a little cafe that I forgot my hospital had. I hadn’t been there in probably more than half a year.

The barista was a pretty lady. Brunette hair in a high ponytail. Stark brown eyes.

I…was so exhausted that I embarrassingly likely didn’t even notice she asked me, “What can I get you?” at least twice.

Of all my senses, I swear my already-disabled hearing goes down a further 40% when I’m exhausted.

But I finally asked her my coffee order, as well as a marshmallow pastry and she said (to paraphrase), “Sure, good choice! Would you like me to add any syrups?”

I smiled in shocked joy. “Oh, you have syrups? May I have caramel?”

“Caramel? Absolutely!”

While she pumped it herself, I apologized profusely for not answering her earlier. She shrugged it off; said no problem.

I further added cream and sugar to my coffee as I liked. Thanked her again (and was sorry I had no cash on me to put in her tip jar). I watched her sit down behind the counter with her own drink.

I was so glad she had a chair to sit down in.

And right after I thanked her yet again and was about to walk back out into the refreshing cold, she said, “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. What part of the hospital d'you work in?”

“Oh yeah, I’m actually right across the street from you! I work in the 2nd floor multispeciality clinics!”

“Ahh, over there.” She tilted her head back a little. “Well I hope to see you again soon, huh?”

“Sure will! Have a great day and stay warm!” (Jesus Christ, I’m such a preppy, cheesy Southern Belle. Emphasis on the preppy.)

“Yeah you too, hon! Take care!”

I left with my coffee and marshmallow pastry in hand…feeling warmer yet more awake than before.

I don’t…I don’t know if she was flirting with me. I don’t know if she meant it when she said she hoped to see me around more often. I don’t even know if she was really, truly curious about never having seen me around before.

Maybe she was just being friendly per her job.

But I’d like to see her again.

I guess a bisexual gal was never hurt by a quiet daydream, right?

(I am honestly such a prep...just lookit me, imagining a Meet Cute with a pretty barista...ayyy...)

comments

I do Try to Enjoy My Mother...I do...

Tue, 20 Jan 2026 11:23:24 GMT

Trigger Warnings: Fatphobia, Internalized fatphobia, Body image issues, Generational trauma

Even when I try…to enjoy spending time with my mother, to enjoy my mother’s company…it’s the little things that remind me of just how I became so severely burnt out with her…

We went to the store Friday evening after she picked me up from work (still can’t drive until March (God willing) bc of medical issues…dunno if I told anyone that). I had changed out of my scrubs and into a pair of my light blue jeans and my favorite off-shoulder, peach-colored sweater from Savage Fenty, with a dark maroon tank top underneath.

It keeps me warm, too.

Kept my work shoes on. They went with my sweater.

It’s one of 4 off-shoulder sweaters I own. It’s not as long as the hem as I like, nor can I roll up the sleeves, as I typically like to do with all my tops, be they sweaters or not. It’s still comfortable and much-beloved.

And…going to the beauty supply shop and our favorite grocery store…it was fun to be with my mother, yes.

But it also…slightly triggered me for all those years when I didn’t have a car and, to get out the house, had to rely on an unreliable mother who was agoraphobic (and likely manic depressive) and staunchly refused to seek mental health treatment.

She still refuses to this day.

Anyway! We get done, drive home, unload the groceries from the car…and I shoulda done knew the question was coming.

I done knew the question was coming.

“Amarie, how are you so confident to wear a sweater like that? It looks great on you, by the way-you look so beautiful! But how are you confident?”

I answered, likely sounding tired, “Mama, I’m not…confident. Just comfortable. I see something I like and can afford and…I wear it. I’m just comfortable in it.”

“Oh…” she said, with that predictable, uncomprehending glaze in her eyes.

I had bit my tongue just in time to keep from shooting back at her, “And what is it about me means I need to be confident to wear this?”

I just…

My mother is a woman in her mid-60s and it still amazes me how she can be so stunted and co-dependent in her view of self/body-image and overall self-esteem.

So stunted that there’s times when she looks at her own daughter and can’t pull the glove inside-out. By which I mean, “Mama, would I need ‘confidence’ to wear an off-shoulder sweater if I was skinner and lighter-skinned?”

My mother doesn’t mean it, but it’s “Amarie, you’re fat and black-but still beautiful to me! Still, where do you get the gall to wear such things? And where can I, who’s also fat and black, find the gall to wear such things too?!”

I've written in an earlier post called “Confidence is a 4-letter Word for Me” about how growing up with this kind of talk ad nauseum-and I truly do mean ad nauseum-jacked my and my sister’s own self-esteem and self-images straight the fuck up.

Sometimes I wish I could believe that it would do any good to tell my mother that…neither confidence nor comfortability is truly given by having a certain body type and thus achieving some arbitrary permission given to you by arbitrary beauty standards.

Sure, it is not completely divorced from outside influence/reaction. (For example, if enough people openly stared and sneered/cringed/winced at my stretch marks when I wear off-shoulder things, then I admit I would likely stop wearing them. Sure. Yeah). But I try to believe that the base fundamentals of it starts with a core of permission within yourself.

That’s just a permission my mother never gained and so she couldn’t pass it onto her daughters.

I’m still healing and recovering every day. And my wearing such sweaters (and other clothes) via just simple pleasure and permission that I give myself is part of that.

I’ve long since given up wishing my mother could be mentally and emotionally healthier. Instead I’ve kept true to a mantra of Love Her Where She’s At…and Accept Yourself Where You’re At With Her.

But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exhaust and sometimes outright trigger me.

Lord forgive me, can’t wait to get back in my car come March.

Truly I can't.

comments

After 5,000 Years...With Harlem Lights: The Prequel is Updated!!

Mon, 05 Jan 2026 01:33:09 GMT

With Harlem Lights: The Prequel (142723 words) by AmarieMelody
Chapters: 13/?
Fandom: Iron Man (Comic)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes/Tony Stark
Characters: James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Tony Stark, Monica Lynne, T'Challa, Rumiko Fujikawa, Pepper Potts, Roberta Rhodes, Maria Stark, Misty Knight, Ho Yinsen, Maria Hill, Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Obadiah Stane, Bambi Arbogast
Additional Tags: Reincarnated Soulmate AU, Racism, Anti-Black Racism, Segregation/Interracial Couple Laws, harlem renaissance, Gay & Black Harlem, RhodeyTony Angst/Hurt & Comfort, Body Horror, Mutilation, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Mental Health Issues, Fluff and Smut, gentrification
Series: Part 2 of Love in Harlem
Summary:

We know of Sam and Steve's love story-both in their past and in their future.

But what of Rhodey and Tony's love story? Their past, their future?

RhodeyTony Soulmate/Reincarnated Soulmate AU

Done by popular demand.

comments

Posted a Belated Holiday BKDK Fic!!

Tue, 07 Jan 2025 12:44:02 GMT

Trust in a Winter Kiss (12452 words) by AmarieMelody
Chapters: 1/?
Fandom: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia (Anime & Manga)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku
Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Class 1-A (My Hero Academia), Shinsou Hitoshi, Eri (My Hero Academia), Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Midoriya Inko, Original Characters
Additional Tags: holiday fic, (VERY belated holiday fic!!), bkdk - Freeform, bakudeku, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Izuku Midorya swears a little too, Protective BKDK, soft bkdk, Fluff and Humor
Summary:

A belated BakuDeku holiday/Christmas fic wherein all Izuku Midorya needs is a true love's kiss.

...And all Katsuki Bakugo needs is to believe in a true love's kiss.

A belated Xmas fic with some angst, hurt, comfort, humor, and a whole lot of love and cheer.

...I am nervous. Tired. Mostly nervous, haha.

comments

On Reading for Pleasure

Sun, 11 Aug 2024 07:51:10 GMT

I posted this as an addition to someone else's post on Tumblr. It's about encouraging people to stop reading books and other things they don't like. As an avid reader myself who is also guilty of this (can you imagine?!), I added onto the post, talking about why I think people do this.

Copy and pasted below!

If I may add to this, as someone who's a lifelong avid reader and still guilty of stubbornly continuing reading things that don't bring me pleasure, enjoyment, or even mild interest? And I do this as someone who's also aware of the above?

I think the reason-or at least part of the reason-so many of us still do this as adults has to do with how school and even sometimes our families have raised us to relate to reading.
As much as I have always loved, loved, loved, loved to read, I don't think I'm alone in the experience of having it drilled into my head during grade school years that you read To Get A Good Job As An Adult, you read to Be Intelligent Enough To Pass Standardized Tests, you read to Be One Of The Good Kids That Stay Quiet/Out Of The Way, you read So Your Teacher Gets Praise From Other Teachers And The Admin.

You read for every reason except for your own pleasure.

I will say I think I was one of the lucky ones who was born to a mother who raised me from infancy to indulge in reading as a pleasure first and foremost.

My mother is the reason I was already reading at 2-years-old and loving it.

Nevertheless, I also spent a lot of time in grade school with my peers reading books that I Absolutely Did Not Enjoy for the above implications. Most of the books I hated were during the high school years-I read more Shakespeare than I had the patience for let alone gave a shit about; I slogged through goddamn "Huckleberry Finn" until I couldn't take it anymore and just cheated by reading the Sparknotes; and I detested "The Old Man and the Sea" to the point where I would read it if I needed help falling asleep.

Worked every time.

But because I always finished these books, did well on the assignments, and received praise from my teachers...I too internalized that Reading Has Nothing To Do With Pleasure.

Fast-forward to my adulthood in my 30s aaaaaand...yeah. I've still internalized continuing to read books I don't like. Sometimes I justify it by saying "Well, I already paid for it" or "Well, I'm already halfway through it", but I understand both of those are simply sunk cost fallacy.

I also still hear my old teachers' voices telling me I'm doing all of the above things that a Good Kid Does by continuing to read with no pleasure. And if I'm able to finish the book, there's a part of me that's still that little kid waiting for that shiny sticker, candy bag, star, A+ grade, etc. for a "job well-done"...even though none off those things are coming and as an adult, I don't need them to come.

Though there's much to be said for the benefits of reading (if someone actually enjoys it) and the general failure of the U.S public education system in our peoples' analytical skills, critical thinking, and a general ability to read between the lines. Avid reading as a pastime can help with that, if you personally want it to.

Being an adult can be fun and full of things you want to do...but it's also already more than full of things you don't want to do.

And I firmly believe that, as much as possible, reading should be one of the things that you want to do.

The school assignments are over-you can enjoy yourself now.

comments

Hearing is WONDERFUL!!!

Wed, 10 Apr 2024 23:41:36 GMT

Posted this on my Tumblr yesterday, so now I'm sharing it here!

So I finally got the courage to get my hearing aids today and...

Holy shit, I cannot overstate how much I cried and cried and cried and in sheer awe in my audiologist's office.

(Long story short, I've had mild-to-quite-moderate hearing issues since...as long as I can remember. It took me a metric shit ton of courage (and a steady job for the money, once again Fuck U.S Healthcare) to admit I needed and deserved help. I could still feel the stigma, but didn't need to give in to it. My audiologist has been endlessly patient with me as I mulled this big, big decision these past few months.)

(Con't.: To confirm my bravery, I asked my audiologist if there were pink hearing aids available, and if so could she order them for me. She squealed with enthusiasm and promised me she would do so. So I got the pink hearing aids. They are a beautiful soft rose-colored pink and my audiologist ooh'd and aww'd for me as she fitted them over my ears.)

So...yeah.

It was...kinda-sorta uncomfortable when my audiologist (I'll call her Em) turned them on because there was initially static and then everything Sounded Fucking Different And Too Loud And Is That The Air Conditioner, Why.

The first thing I heard with my new hearing aids was Em's voice asking me how I was hearing things and how I felt.

She smiled big because I know my eyes popped wide. Em's and everything else in her office sounded so crisp and clear and amazing. For the very first time in my life, I could make out consonants.

She turned down the volume for me when I asked and reassured me this would be a huge adjustment for my life and we'd be making follow-up visits to continue to monitor and titrate the hearing aids as needed.

But during the appointment today my hearing aids have felt overwhelmingly new but perfect.

So I only had to ask her to repeat something about 1x instead of my usual average of 2-3x, sometimes up to 4x.

I almost immediately started crying and Em automatically put the tissue box near me. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose and...

I found that I hate the sound of blowing my nose. So, so loud and unpleasant.

But tissue...makes a sound when you crinkle it/rub it together.

Tissue makes the most amazing crhh-shh-crhh-cruhh sound when you rub it together.

I kept rubbing it and rubbing it and crinkling it and crinkling it and Em just smiled, smiled, smiled in delight for me.

Some things...I found I didn't like with my new hearing aids. I don't like the elevator. I don't like doors because they may creak. I don't like the sound of driving and the traffic outside (it's like...a roar present in the background?).

But I love, love, love the sound of my blinker (I didn't know it had a sound!!!). I love the sound of people's voices that I've been listening to for a long time sounding crisp and clear. I love the sound of my purse when I rub the side. I love the sound of birds chirping. I love the sound of the elevator button when I press it.

Just...guys.

Tissue makes a sound when you rub it together. And birds chirp and squeak all day.

It's like...hearing color for the first time. You get to have the world's color in your ears for the first time, like most everybody else.

It's all loud and clear as thunder, but oh what a beautiful thunder.

Bonus Updates, as I practice wiring my brain to get used to my hearing aids by walking around the house with them!

1. Tissue still crinkles when I rub/crumple it together
2. The air conditioner is terrifyingly loud. Like...a terrible, ominous roar right over my head, especially when I'm standing in the hallway (instead of a gentle sound of blowing around me without my hearing aids). I 'bout had a heart attack.
3. I'm washing my new scrubs for the work week and...I don't think I'll be wearing my hearing aids on Laundry Days.
4. The fridge has a hum! The attached freezer and my mom's chest freezer have an even stronger hum!! Such a pretty hum!
5. I will not be wearing my hearing aids on Laundry Days.
6. The coffee pot makes adorable gurgle-gurrg-gurrrg-blurp-blurp-blurp sounds! I think it's my fav sound alongside tissue!!
7. I will not be wearing my hearing aids on Laundry Days.
8. Light switches have a little click when you flip them on!
9. The coffee pot. Is. Adorable!!

comments

Confidence is a 4-Letter Word for Me

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 14:26:10 GMT

Trigger Warnings: Self image/body image issues, [generational] trauma, cognitive distortions, brief mentions of abuse, sexual abuse, & past suicide attempts

( So I know the title seems asinine and I want to reassure everyone it's not a typo: confidence really is a 4-letter word to me. )

comments

Today I went on my first-ever date with another lady!

Wed, 06 Mar 2024 05:52:36 GMT

Trigger Warning: Food Mention

We met on the dating site H.E.R after chatting for over a month and though I was terrified of my 1st date as a bisexual woman, I'm also so, so very proud of myself for going thru with it.

Overall, my date was so very kind, attentive, funny, and pretty! She gave me a warm, tight hug when we met outside the burger joint; we chatted casually as we waited in line (she thought I was shy at first...and I was!!); she insisted I order first; she likes her iced tea sweet like I do.

She likes vanilla milkshakes with whipped cream and I like cheer-wine floats; she shared chicken wings with me and I shared french fries with her; when I teased her that she's nasty for liking bleu cheese dip, she unironically bought me hot pleasantly mild sauce for my fries and insisted it was mine; we both made each other burst out laughing with personal stories and anecdotes; we shared some minor pain with respect; she likes red and sportswear and I like pink and Barbie; she gave me an even bigger, tighter hug at the end of the date...the kind that makes my ribs hurt a little and makes my back feel squished.

Just the kind of hug I like.

She thinks I'm adorable as anything.

I'm not too sure where it's all going to go yet, but I cannot wait for our 2nd date to a movie next week! Gah!

-swoons-

comments

Dating Bisexually vs. Safety

Thu, 16 Nov 2023 01:17:04 GMT

I dunno know if I'm asking for advice or just need to let this out or...I dunno...

So I installed the Meetup app on my phone and, lo and behold, one of the social groups is for...out-of-closet LGBT people.

I saw it while scrolling last month and, though I'm still very much in recovery from the flu (my doctor gave me a 2-week sample of a Trelegy inhaler), I still look and see quite a few events/outings that look like a ton of nice, casual fun once I'm well.

From their posted past events, it also looks like alcohol & smoking aren't at the center-a major plus for my non-alcoholic, asthmatic ass.

The group is already made up of 30+ people, and looks full to the brim of other black women and non-Black POC from the pictures. It openly says "allies & inclusion" are important, so perhaps that's also a code for LGBT folk like me who are still quite-closeted in real life and would approach without revealing our identity.

A part of me...really, truly, desperately want to go to an event. I'd love to start going regularly.

Another part of me...still wants and needs safety.

As I continue to be closeted in real life, so I continue to stay safe-or at least feel safe-but that also means that as far as being bisexual, I am very, very isolated from other LGBT people in real life.

I hit 32-years-old two months ago and it's something...I've been grappling with more and more lately.

And I'm not sure of the answer.

My online dating on HER still isn't...as fruitful as I hoped. It's turning into O*Cupid for me: lots of wonderful, lovely, attractive prospects but too much silence after I hit that "Match".

I very desperately want to experience a romance for the first time in my life.

I've made peace with the fact that this would be my first one even as I'm in my 30s. A lot of us LGBT folks don't get our "firsts" until much, much later. And in any case experience does not equate health and/or happiness.

I still want the experience.

When I go out on my own in a nice blouse or sweater, makeup popping, medical mask on straight, and earrings swinging...I admit I wish I was with another woman who thinks I'm pretty and attractive and tells me so. I'd love to feel and do the same for her.

I want to catch another woman's eye In That Way and she catches mine.

I'd love for her to maybe catch me in the door on the way out of the event and maybe ask me out for coffee.

I would love, love, love a casual coffee shop date. There's so many little lovely hole-in-the-wall coffee shops in my town that I enjoy, but hell I'll even take St*rbucks too. I'm a touchy-feeling person that would enjoy even a small, hand touch in-between sips of hot, festive coffee/tea drinks.

Even if none of that leads to the eventual marriage I want...I admit to myself that I still want those experiences and I want to feel safe in them.

But I as much as I want that, I am still abjectly terrified of another woman asking me out on a coffee date in public, in real life.

That's...sad. That's sad that I'm terrified of the potential exposure and possible resulting danger of going on a coffee date as a bisexual woman.

In 2023.

So yes, I've tried...to do it the online way, what felt the safer way for a long time now.

I want to be safe, but I also want to experience if not love just yet, then at least friendship.

I don't...yet see myself walking up to a real-life group of my fellow LGBT's and introducing myself as bisexual. I'd just want to be "Amarie".

I have absolutely no idea when or if Amarie would drop the Bisexual Bomb on anybody in the group.

Would I even be accepted just as Amarie? I've always already been "queer" as in "strange" even before I knew I was bisexual at age 25: I enjoy kids' media more than adults; my voice is higher than oft expected; I can giggle endlessly; and I unintentionally hide high intelligence behind jocularity and affability.

And lately, sometimes...I worry that I can't find my way through (or do I go around?) the tight, but intense chasm between being a romance sap who deeply wants to be partnered vs. being an already deeply, intersectionally-marginalized black woman with already full-blown C-PTSD that just as deeply wants and deserves to be safe.

I don't want it to eat me up.

I'm just...still not sure how to be safe and happy at the same time. And I hate that I still live in a world where the two just might still be mutually exclusive.

I...wish I knew how to be brave enough that I could open up the closet door just a little bit more than a peek.

comments

I Turned 32 Today!!!

Sun, 24 Sep 2023 23:23:05 GMT

Goodness, I just about forgot to post this here!!

I feel...immensely proud of myself for making it this far and having a good, steady feeling in my heart that I will continue to make it.

I feel tired but still young, and very, very much excited for what's to come!

Love and miss you guys!!

--Amarie

comments

Went to Pride Again!

Sun, 25 Jun 2023 04:07:42 GMT

I felt really pretty and really safe. I...still could only feel safe enough to do this incognito while volunteering for my job. But I got there in time to see the parade (dancers! mermaids! bubbles! sparkles! colors!!).

I stayed way longer than last year for my job, too-from about 9:30 to 3pm. It wasn't as hot as it could been and otherwise it was so worth it!!

And here's a Mango Tango ice cream treat I waited a whole year to have again. Good GRACIOUS, it's a special treat with mango, strawberries, and bananas with whipped cream at the top; shaved ice in the middle; and freakin' ice cream that is so delicious as it partially melts on the bottom!!

Happy Pride, everybody!!

comments

Baked Cookies on my Own for the 1st Time!

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 01:57:32 GMT

I shared this over on my Tumblr, but I should be reviving this blog of mine over here!

So last night, with the great encouragement of Silver and Azz, I finally baked my salted caramel cookies! See below!!

The day after Christmas, I bought this salted caramel cookie mix, and then last weekend I bought some semi-sweet chocolate chips to add to it. Yum, yum, yum!!

(Don’t worry-I kept my hand safely out of the direct heat!)

Oohhh, they were getting bigger and bigger…

Tada and freakin’ delish!!!!! Gah!!!!

I took 4 to share with my coworkers today and I got quite a few compliments! They're totally delicious and I am so, so, so very proud of myself!!

Can't wait to see what I bake next!

comments

A Quote from my Therapist

Thu, 05 Jan 2023 02:52:36 GMT

"I’m sorry you’ve been burnt out with your mom and sister for years-it’s never a good thing to reach burnout. But you don’t have to feel bad because burnout can also be freeing-it can free you from expecting someone to give you things they just can’t.

And you can focus on the people who can."

--My therapist, during this evening’s session

comments

Made an Omelette in a Griddle!!

Fri, 23 Dec 2022 20:48:12 GMT

Made an omelette on a griddle (girdle?) for the first time ever!

And for the first time ever...I finally burnt/blackened an egg after believing one couldn’t do that! See the middle of the back of my omelette? Teehee! It...tastes more flavorful, but probably because I put a little more pam spray in the griddle than was needed? (And the edges got kinda Drowned In There, and that’s how I burnt the middle of my omelette by was trying to get the edges to cook.)

It does look like a pretty, fancy sear, tho, and I can’t wait to try it again! Anyone have any tips for my next time? :D

comments

I Got a CAAAAAAR!!!

Sun, 28 Aug 2022 16:32:22 GMT

Holy shit, I done forgot to post this over here...

But I finally bought a car on August 24th!! Take a looksie!

Ohhh, happy day, happy day! What a blessing!!!

--Amarie

comments

Letting go of Control

Sun, 19 Jun 2022 00:40:44 GMT

You know, I’ve had a hard-won lesson that’s been creeping up on me since my late 20s, especially when dealing with my mother and sisters’ neuroses (particularly when it comes to the men they choose in their lives): not being in control/not being able to control something doesn’t automatically mean you’re powerless or helpless.

It quite often feels that way and for good reason, but I’m learning that’s not automatically what it means.

When you have control over something, that also means you’re responsible for it-you’re accountable for it. And so when you’re not in control, it means you can and should abdicate all responsibility and accountability for the situation. You don’t have to blame yourself; you don’t have to ruminate on why x person didn’t listen to you; you don’t have to stay stuck on “If only x happened at y time!”; you don’t have to let it define or even partially shape you.

You can let that go; you can drop that. It was never something for you to carry and it never will be.

I’m not preaching from the soapbox-it’s still extremely difficult for me to let a lot of things go, especially when it comes to people I love and who love me in turn. I still struggle with going ‘round and ‘round the mind-torturing loops I mentioned above. I still struggle with turning my mind to things that not only do I control, but things that bring me comfort, enjoyment, and safety.

Being able to shed an illusion of control is being able to shed an illusion of the burden of blame.

I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but this has certainly helped me. I’m still hurt by a lot of things and I think I always will be, but starting to understand when I need to let go of control/believing I can control things helps me breathe so, so much easier.

--Amarie

comments

Do Ya'll Know what I Feel when Late May Comes Around...?

Tue, 31 May 2022 22:35:04 GMT

See, every time late May comes around...

I know at worst it’s corporate predation and at best it’s corporate cynical performance of allyship/activism to snag the queer dollar, but...

Come every late May when I see the rainbow colors of Pride come out over stores’ banners online and stores’ displays right inside their front windows where everyone can see and stores’ displays inside the store where it’s easily seen and accessible by everyone, instead of shamefully tucked into a back corner...

When I see that, there’s a happy whisper in my mind.

It’s still a whispered secret for me that I am bisexual-in real life, I have still not come out to anyone. I am content with that for now. I don’t see that contentment changing any time in the near future. But I was 25 when I quietly, definitively said to myself that I am bisexual. I was 28 when I came out only online, first to a slew of fellow, older LGBT friends that I implicitly trusted and then later on openly on my blog as a Christmas present to myself.

I carry a quiet love and pride of my bisexuality. And so when I see the Pride colors, that happy whisper in my mind goes, “That’s you, kid. Those colors mean you. You’re a colorful person and those colors belong to you, too.”

“You made it another year, kid. Happy birthday to learning yet another beautiful part of you.”

comments

Jason Todd's Chapter Posted!

Sun, 30 Jan 2022 02:38:00 GMT

Goodnight my Loves, says the Bat (19796 words) by AmarieMelody
Chapters: 2/?
Fandom: Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake, Damian Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth, Talia al Ghul, Leslie Thompkins
Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Humor, SO MUCH HUMOR, Daddy!Bruce, daddy!Bats, Mentions of child abuse & neglect (mostly w/Cass and Jason), Batfamily fanfic
Summary:

The various reasons Bruce's children choose to sleep in the bed with their father.

Over the years, over the ages the reasons vary with each child...and Bruce has accommodated each & every one.

Hurt/comfort, fluff, with dashes of humor.

Whew...this was...done for a lot, lot longer than I knew, y'know? Can't believe it!

comments

"We Don't Talk About Bruno" in the Movie Encanto

Mon, 17 Jan 2022 03:04:44 GMT

(Posted this on my Tumblr a few days ago. I've really, really gotten into the new Disney movie Encanto!)

As much as it’s an absolute bop, I think the song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” in the movie Encanto carries a symbolic choice in its wording that goes beyond its catchiness.

Even before you learn the full situation of Bruno’s absence from the family, you get half the picture thru the song: Bruno’s power of clairvoyance was Inconvenient To The Family And Village, But Especially To Abuela Alma and so…he had to go.

It’s interesting that the song isn’t titled, say, “Where Is Bruno?” or “Don’t Come Back, Bruno” or even just “We Don’t Know Where Bruno Is”.

No, the song title is an assertion that the subject of Bruno is one we simply do not broach.

A huge, huge theme in Encanto is generational trauma. And one of the perpetual curses of generational trauma is We Don’t Talk About X. Sometimes X is something that hurts us (i.e, Bruno’s visions and other seemingly odd behaviors) and/or X is something that we did to hurt someone else (i.e, the family and village’s continual rejection and depreciation of Bruno to the point where he left and never came back).

Thus we get “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”.

The overall policy of not talking about…what needs to be talked about is often how generational trauma is not only created to begin with, but also how it is allowed to continue through new generation after generation with very little end in sight.

Not talking about things is often thought of as a way to not only avoid The Problem(s), but to deny there are The Problem(s). It’s almost a childish way of thinking that if we don’t acknowledge it then it doesn’t/can’t/won’t hurt and will somehow magically (haha) go away and stay away. And of course that never works; The Problem(s) must be dealt with or else The Problem(s) will deal with you.

And I’m not preaching from the pulpit about this-I’ve never even been to Colombia but like a lot of people I relate so much to Encanto because my family suffers from generational trauma too. Starting from my own mother (and her devil of a mother before her), there have been many things that are swept under the rug and quite a few have exploded until they needed to be dealt with…and sometimes it’s been too long that an apology/gradual change in behavior wasn’t fully enough to mend the “cracks” in our own casita, y’know?

The Problem doesn’t go away-it just festers and festers until it deals with you.

And The Problem not going away is amazingly symbolized in the song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”. We see that, actually…Bruno truly hasn’t gone away. During Dolores’ dope ass verse, you can see his greenish shadow in the background on the balcony, not unlike as though he were a specter; in Camilo’s equally dope ass verse, Camilo still remembers enough about what his uncle looks like to transform into him (minus the exaggerated “7 foot frame”-he seems hardly taller than Mirabel herself); both Isabela and Dolores still remember positive prophecies from him, one about growth in power and one about future true love; so many of the villagers still remember much less positive prophecies from him; and his room is still present in the house, never mind that it’s off limits.

Not Talking About Bruno does not at all mean Bruno has gone away.

Even greater than what Bruno’s continued presence means, there’s also what his continued implicit absence means. Alongside her siblings and cousins, Mirabel has been deprived of having such a selfless, loving uncle in her life who, in leaving, did what he thought best to put her before himself even while knowing she’d never be aware of his sacrifice; Julieta and Pepa have been deprived of their only brother; and Abuela Alma has been deprived of her only son. That continued absence is yet another Problem.

Also not talking about Bruno is really not unlike how the family deals with Mirabel, whose continued visible presence with her ordinary lack of magical powers they cannot escape/erase. That is, the songwriters could easily write a song titled, “We Don’t Talk To Mirabel”.

From what I see, Abuela Alma certainly goes out of her way to not talk to Mirabel unless it’s within 1 of 3 contexts:

1. Why are you in my direct line of sight and, whatever reason you (quickly) give, wrap it up so that you’re properly out of my sight.

2. What are you doing and, whatever you (quickly) tell me you are doing, wrap it up so you’re not reminding me that you’re The Problem.

3.Please remember the best thing you can do for the family and specifically me is to Be Seen, Not Heard.

I and a whole lot of audience of course see this as insidiously but extremely cruel from Abuela Alma to her own flesh-and-blood granddaughter. In its insidiousness, in the narrative we also Don’t Talk About The Effects This Has On Mirabel, i.e, her terribly low self-esteem and high frustration/resentment; her trauma at the constant exclusion and depreciation; and her powerful, pressurizing need to prove herself worthy. To prove herself even present.

Now I will say that…I don’t feel like a whole lot of the family follows Abuela’s example on how to treat Mirabel. Certainly her parents protect and nurture their daughter as much as they can against their matriarch’s mistreatment of her. Her 3 cousins are certainly loving enough to her in my opinion, particularly Antonio (and I want to write a whole post on his representation sometime, too!), and you get the sense that if Luisa had more time she’d dote on and nurture her baby sister much, much more.

Isabela is the only one who seems to be the worst offender.For example, after it’s announced in the song that Mariano, Isabela’s betrothed, and his mother are on his way, Isabela sings an interesting line to Mirabel:

“Hey, sis, I want not a sound out of you”

…Which is pretty in line with Abuela Alma’s standard cruel treatment and policy with Mirabel: Be Seen, Not Heard And You Won’t Be The Problem.

(And on a side note, I’m 1000% of the mind that Mariano would be an excellent big brother-in-law and be so loving and nurturing to Mirabel. I don’t think he would’ve found her comparative ordinariness an issue at all.)

(Another, another side note: I’m also of the mind that Isabela’s initial copying of Abuela Alma’s treatment of Mirabel is a kind of rebound envy and resentment because while Mirabel can’t grab just some spotlight no matter how hard she tries, Isabela can’t ever get out of all the spotlight no matter how hard she tries. I think it’s inverse brands of spotlight pressures going in different directions with the resentments…well, going in the wrong directions.)

Going back to Bruno and the song title “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, that curse of generational trauma doesn’t start to break itself until, well…we talk about Bruno. And there’s a short, but explicit line Camilo and Antonio in the song “All of You” that states as much:

“Okay, so we’re gonna talk about Bruno? (That’s Bruno)

Yeah, there’s a lot to say about Bruno

For sure there’s a lot of things to say about Bruno-and I love, love, love that Bruno is able to (re)claim in his agency in the narrative by being able to explain himself in his own verse right after the above one.

Not only are we going to talk about Bruno, but Bruno gets to be the one to talk.

And Mirabel gets talked to by Abuela Alma-she is finally afforded positive attention from and nurtured by her grandmother.

Now, I absolutely don’t think everything becomes and stays magically (haha) fine by the end of the movie. There’s a lot of work to do. Abuela Alma definitely has a long way to go in showing her apology to her family; she has a lot of nurturing and uplifting of Mirabel to make up for (the heavy lifting that Julieta does in lavishing her daughter in that kind of love…yeah-that); the rest of the magical family will still have their work cut out for them in un-internalizing that the extent of their worth stretches as far as their powers and their usefulness does; the rest of the family has a lot of catching up to do with Bruno; and the new, healthier home environment must be reinforced with little Antonio, the baby of the Madrigals.

But it’s that Talking About Things that were previously Not Talked About that starts the much healthier phenomenon of breaking the curse of generational trauma.

It’s so simple yet so profound. I just love it.

comments

Some Music to Star Off December

Sat, 04 Dec 2021 18:49:14 GMT

comments

It's my Birthday!!

Fri, 24 Sep 2021 16:00:59 GMT

I...hit the Big Three-Oh, my goodness!! I asked Silver if this means I can still have cupcakes and they say yes!

Here's to making it to yet another birthday and, best of all, a brand new decade!

--Amarie

(P.S. I think Mama is getting me a Mandalorian cake...oh my dear heavens...)

comments

Made Iced Coffee for the 1st Time!

Wed, 11 Aug 2021 19:26:44 GMT

Ahh, it just makes everything better...

--Amarie

comments

The Rhodes-Stark Parent Trap Updated!!

Tue, 03 Aug 2021 23:35:00 GMT

The Rhodes-Stark Parent Trap (67774 words) by AmarieMelody
Chapters: 6/?
Fandom: Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man (Comic)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes/Tony Stark
Characters: James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Tony Stark, Roberta Rhodes, Terrence Rhodes, Maria Stark, Justin Hammer, Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Pepper Potts, Sam Wilson, Misty Knight
Additional Tags: The Parent Trap AU, The Parent Trap done fucking right, like seriously, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Kidfic, Child death (but not really!), Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Humor
Summary:

When Ayana Stark, a sweet princess of New York City, and Elena Rhodes, a carefree spirit of Calabasas, meet at summer camp they find out that they’re twins! But summer camp is to end soon and they want to see each other again and meet and bond with the other girl’s father.

Will the other girl’s father want and accept them? And can they put their heads together to delay the greedy, conniving Justin Hammer’s marriage to their Papa, Tony Stark, for as long as possible?

They’re up to their adorable cornrows and afros in schemes and tricks! Join them for an incredible adventure as they set off the Rhodes-Stark parent trap!

comments

Exercising vs. Resting

Sat, 24 Jul 2021 16:42:04 GMT

One thing that helps me when I start to feel immensely guilty for choosing to sleep in the morning instead of exercise? I remind myself: one exercises not to Do What They’re Supposed To Do and/or for Punishment for [insert absurd reason, like eating, resting a lot over the week, etc.] but to take care of their health. And one rests to also take care of their health.

It does feel good to me to get up, have a hearty breakfast, comb my afro, and then go power walking outside with the early morning sunshine.

But it also feels good to roll over and go back to sleep if that’s what my body tells me it needs instead.

I remind myself that by choosing rest over activity is simply choosing another way to take care of and honor my health. I lose nothing either way.

comments