amarie24

Posted this on my Tumblr yesterday, so now I'm sharing it here!

So I finally got the courage to get my hearing aids today and...

Holy shit, I cannot overstate how much I cried and cried and cried and in sheer awe in my audiologist's office.

(Long story short, I've had mild-to-quite-moderate hearing issues since...as long as I can remember. It took me a metric shit ton of courage (and a steady job for the money, once again Fuck U.S Healthcare) to admit I needed and deserved help. I could still feel the stigma, but didn't need to give in to it. My audiologist has been endlessly patient with me as I mulled this big, big decision these past few months.)

(Con't.: To confirm my bravery, I asked my audiologist if there were pink hearing aids available, and if so could she order them for me. She squealed with enthusiasm and promised me she would do so. So I got the pink hearing aids. They are a beautiful soft rose-colored pink and my audiologist ooh'd and aww'd for me as she fitted them over my ears.)

So...yeah.

It was...kinda-sorta uncomfortable when my audiologist (I'll call her Em) turned them on because there was initially static and then everything Sounded Fucking Different And Too Loud And Is That The Air Conditioner, Why.

The first thing I heard with my new hearing aids was Em's voice asking me how I was hearing things and how I felt.

She smiled big because I know my eyes popped wide. Em's and everything else in her office sounded so crisp and clear and amazing. For the very first time in my life, I could make out consonants.

She turned down the volume for me when I asked and reassured me this would be a huge adjustment for my life and we'd be making follow-up visits to continue to monitor and titrate the hearing aids as needed.

But during the appointment today my hearing aids have felt overwhelmingly new but perfect.

So I only had to ask her to repeat something about 1x instead of my usual average of 2-3x, sometimes up to 4x.

I almost immediately started crying and Em automatically put the tissue box near me. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose and...

I found that I hate the sound of blowing my nose. So, so loud and unpleasant.

But tissue...makes a sound when you crinkle it/rub it together.

Tissue makes the most amazing crhh-shh-crhh-cruhh sound when you rub it together.

I kept rubbing it and rubbing it and crinkling it and crinkling it and Em just smiled, smiled, smiled in delight for me.

Some things...I found I didn't like with my new hearing aids. I don't like the elevator. I don't like doors because they may creak. I don't like the sound of driving and the traffic outside (it's like...a roar present in the background?).

But I love, love, love the sound of my blinker (I didn't know it had a sound!!!). I love the sound of people's voices that I've been listening to for a long time sounding crisp and clear. I love the sound of my purse when I rub the side. I love the sound of birds chirping. I love the sound of the elevator button when I press it.

Just...guys.

Tissue makes a sound when you rub it together. And birds chirp and squeak all day.

It's like...hearing color for the first time. You get to have the world's color in your ears for the first time, like most everybody else.

It's all loud and clear as thunder, but oh what a beautiful thunder.

Bonus Updates, as I practice wiring my brain to get used to my hearing aids by walking around the house with them!

1. Tissue still crinkles when I rub/crumple it together
2. The air conditioner is terrifyingly loud. Like...a terrible, ominous roar right over my head, especially when I'm standing in the hallway (instead of a gentle sound of blowing around me without my hearing aids). I 'bout had a heart attack.
3. I'm washing my new scrubs for the work week and...I don't think I'll be wearing my hearing aids on Laundry Days.
4. The fridge has a hum! The attached freezer and my mom's chest freezer have an even stronger hum!! Such a pretty hum!
5. I will not be wearing my hearing aids on Laundry Days.
6. The coffee pot makes adorable gurgle-gurrg-gurrrg-blurp-blurp-blurp sounds! I think it's my fav sound alongside tissue!!
7. I will not be wearing my hearing aids on Laundry Days.
8. Light switches have a little click when you flip them on!
9. The coffee pot. Is. Adorable!!

Trigger Warning: Food Mention

We met on the dating site H.E.R after chatting for over a month and though I was terrified of my 1st date as a bisexual woman, I'm also so, so very proud of myself for going thru with it.

Overall, my date was so very kind, attentive, funny, and pretty! She gave me a warm, tight hug when we met outside the burger joint; we chatted casually as we waited in line (she thought I was shy at first...and I was!!); she insisted I order first; she likes her iced tea sweet like I do.

She likes vanilla milkshakes with whipped cream and I like cheer-wine floats; she shared chicken wings with me and I shared french fries with her; when I teased her that she's nasty for liking bleu cheese dip, she unironically bought me hot pleasantly mild sauce for my fries and insisted it was mine; we both made each other burst out laughing with personal stories and anecdotes; we shared some minor pain with respect; she likes red and sportswear and I like pink and Barbie; she gave me an even bigger, tighter hug at the end of the date...the kind that makes my ribs hurt a little and makes my back feel squished.

Just the kind of hug I like.

She thinks I'm adorable as anything.

I'm not too sure where it's all going to go yet, but I cannot wait for our 2nd date to a movie next week! Gah!

-swoons-

Current Mood: ecstatic

Goodness, I just about forgot to post this here!!

I feel...immensely proud of myself for making it this far and having a good, steady feeling in my heart that I will continue to make it.

I feel tired but still young, and very, very much excited for what's to come!

Love and miss you guys!!

--Amarie

I felt really pretty and really safe. I...still could only feel safe enough to do this incognito while volunteering for my job. But I got there in time to see the parade (dancers! mermaids! bubbles! sparkles! colors!!).

I stayed way longer than last year for my job, too-from about 9:30 to 3pm. It wasn't as hot as it could been and otherwise it was so worth it!!

And here's a Mango Tango ice cream treat I waited a whole year to have again. Good GRACIOUS, it's a special treat with mango, strawberries, and bananas with whipped cream at the top; shaved ice in the middle; and freakin' ice cream that is so delicious as it partially melts on the bottom!!

Happy Pride, everybody!!

Current Mood: ecstatic

Holy shit, I done forgot to post this over here...

But I finally bought a car on August 24th!! Take a looksie!

Ohhh, happy day, happy day! What a blessing!!!

--Amarie

Current Mood: ecstatic

See, every time late May comes around...

I know at worst it’s corporate predation and at best it’s corporate cynical performance of allyship/activism to snag the queer dollar, but...

Come every late May when I see the rainbow colors of Pride come out over stores’ banners online and stores’ displays right inside their front windows where everyone can see and stores’ displays inside the store where it’s easily seen and accessible by everyone, instead of shamefully tucked into a back corner...

When I see that, there’s a happy whisper in my mind.

It’s still a whispered secret for me that I am bisexual-in real life, I have still not come out to anyone. I am content with that for now. I don’t see that contentment changing any time in the near future. But I was 25 when I quietly, definitively said to myself that I am bisexual. I was 28 when I came out only online, first to a slew of fellow, older LGBT friends that I implicitly trusted and then later on openly on my blog as a Christmas present to myself.

I carry a quiet love and pride of my bisexuality. And so when I see the Pride colors, that happy whisper in my mind goes, “That’s you, kid. Those colors mean you. You’re a colorful person and those colors belong to you, too.”

“You made it another year, kid. Happy birthday to learning yet another beautiful part of you.”

Current Mood: content

I...hit the Big Three-Oh, my goodness!! I asked Silver if this means I can still have cupcakes and they say yes!

Here's to making it to yet another birthday and, best of all, a brand new decade!

--Amarie

(P.S. I think Mama is getting me a Mandalorian cake...oh my dear heavens...)

One thing that helps me when I start to feel immensely guilty for choosing to sleep in the morning instead of exercise? I remind myself: one exercises not to Do What They’re Supposed To Do and/or for Punishment for [insert absurd reason, like eating, resting a lot over the week, etc.] but to take care of their health. And one rests to also take care of their health.

It does feel good to me to get up, have a hearty breakfast, comb my afro, and then go power walking outside with the early morning sunshine.

But it also feels good to roll over and go back to sleep if that’s what my body tells me it needs instead.

I remind myself that by choosing rest over activity is simply choosing another way to take care of and honor my health. I lose nothing either way.

Current Mood: contemplative

Oh my god, I had the greatest dream about my wedding in the future…!

Halfway thru my reception, a lot of us got on the floor (me, my new spouse, and all our bridesmaids and groomsmen) to play a version of “duck, duck, goose!” but we turned it into “I don’t, I don’t, I do!”

…And if anyone tagged me, the bride, as “It” and I had to run after them in my big wedding dress (which was flow-y, flowery, and red!), I got to eat their latest plate off the buffet. LOLOL!

What a fun, lovely time!

And this white boy would grab my hand as soon as my mama dropped me off and played with me like nothing else. He’d grab my hand to push me on the swings; play on the colorful rug with me; read books with me; and even shove to the front of the line during snack times to make sure I got the biggest cupcake, cookie, etc.

I…wouldn’t even remember him if Mama didn’t still have pictures from that time. Just this white boy always holding my hand and smiling with me, and who I never saw again after the daycare days were over.

Now I was literally just dreaming about meeting him again last night…

…And Mama called me just an hour ago to tell me that she bumped into him in the clinic where she works be he brought in his grandfather to be seen. She told me she just started to recognize the shape of his face, that curly hair, freckles, bright blue eyes, etc., and asked him if his name was, well…his name.

And it was. And he remembers me-apparently once he knew who my mother was, I was literally the first thing he asked after. I can’t remember him without pictures, but he remembers me absolutely no problem.

It’s been…gracious, more than 20 years (we’re the same age!), but he still remembers me just fine on his own.

Mama said he wants my email address so we can talk again and, I guess…catch up on ABCs, 123s, etc., haha.

And cutie mofo is tall as hell, still curly-haired as hell, and a Marine.

Got to see the St. Louis arch-it's simply gorgeous!!

I'll try to share pictures this weekend when I come back home. In the meantime, love all of ya'll and hope you're staying safe! -blows a kiss-

--Amarie

That's a marble cake with pink-and-white frosting!! Absolutely perfect!! Thanks, Mama!!

Current Mood: excited

Like, when we Georgians are ass-deep in July like this, it’s often starkly, unbearably hot with a heavy dose of humidity. The temperatures often climb to 110*F+. Between 9am and 10am is your last reprieve for the day, if you’re lucky.

But this year, it’s hardly gotten higher than 98-99*F. The humidity stays at such a low, manageable level that I can hardly remember the last time I needed my inhaler after a walk.

There’s a nice, lovely, cool wind breezing through and it feels absolutely phenomenal as I walk through it.

I know it’s…it feels like all the world is falling apart over and over again and uncertainty remains a huge part of my life after spending so much of my youth trying to purge it (and I know such uncertainty is part of many of our lives).

But I wonder if this nicer, better summer weather is just a bit of a reprieve, a bit of a gift.

If so, it feels like quite the nice gift.

Current Mood: thankful