A Cycle

[amarie24]

Me: -takes my goddamned Buspar as faithfully as I can every 12hrs, divided at 8am & 8pm-

Goddamned Buspar: -just makes me a lil woozy-headed when I take it at 8pm, but otherwise faithfully does its job of keeping me halfway in that cloud where Nervous Breakdown Monster can't come back to get me-

Goddamned Buspar: -but also knocks me the fuck out when I take it at 8am & is so powerful that I often can't fight off the sudden, dizzying exhaustion & have no choice but to sleep it off...sometimes for a full 8hrs so I lose nearly an entire day & my sleep schedule stays fucking flip-flopped-

Me: -quietly decides to only take goddamned Buspar once @ 8pm, especially after only taking a short nap (less than 3hrs for me) during the afternoon & fully expects to sleep through the night when I plop into bed at 11pm-

Goddamned Buspar: -is somehow to blame for me suddenly waking in the middle of the night, hoping it's at least 4am-

Me: -rolls over, picks up my phone, & sees that it's only a little after 1am-

Me: -struggles & fails to fall back asleep for 2hrs straight, alternately reading on my laptop & listening to soothing music from my phone-

Me: -gives up when 3am hits and I am H.U.N.G.R.Y for anything with Too Much Sugar and/or Too Much Salt, and so I am pigging out like I haven't eaten in days-

Me: -but still struggles to garner an appetite & eat enough during the daytime-

Goddamned Buspar: -is probably laughing at me while it still gets paid about $11 at the pharmacy to make my sleeping cycle a flip-flopped living hell-

Me: -is creating this journal entry at 4:58am, by the way-




--Amarie

Comments

[amarie24]

Awww, you're on this little demon too, friend?! Yeah, mine is just a straight up 10mg every 12hrs.

And I'm so very sorry that you sometimes wake up crying. I be doing that, too. :( :( :(

[azurelunatic]

It seems like everything worth crying about is worse at 3am.

It doesn't happen so often lately for me, but when it does, sometimes the cat notices I'm awake and headbutts my hand to be petted. Nothing's quite as bad with a purring cat.

[amarie24]

Oh, I hear you on that-my peak emotional points seem to be between 1 & 2am, with it tapering off by 3am...ugh.

But yeah, a cat purring and rubbing and just loving on you does wonders for the heart. We'll get through this together, my friend.

We'll get through this.