A Note to Myself

[amarie24]

So I’m starting school come the fall. August 15th is when classes start and it’s my first Anatomy & Physiology plus the lab (I’m still excited! Yay!). I must pass that with an A or B before I can go on to the next semester, Spring, and take the second Anatomy & Physiology, plus lab, and the Microbiology class. I must pass those classes, too, with an A or B. Towards the end of that Spring semester, I will apply to the competitive nursing program for acceptance and they only accept about 30-34 students per term.

And yeah, you read that right: if potential nursing students make a C in any of the three science classes (the two Anatomy & Physiologies and the Microbiology), you’re done. It’s over. You’re automatically disqualified from entering the nursing program.

See, way, way back in the day, when I was a medical assisting student (and that program was and still is not at all competitive), I had a friend and classmate who tried to get into the nursing program. But she failed the first Anatomy & Physiology class twice and that disqualified her, so she went into medical assisting instead. But nowadays, if you get a C in any of these classes just once, you’re done.

I checked my school email and…they sent out an “Anatomy & Physiology I Kickstarter” study program to help students prepare for the upcoming class. It’s completely free, doesn’t count as a college credit, and it mainly focuses on introductory anatomical terminology (i.e, anterior, posterior, sagittal plane, midsagittal plane, etc.).

Just the fact that it’s offered to upcoming Anatomy & Physiology I students told me just how many students outright fail with F’s or fail to meet the nursing program requirements by getting C’s.

-sigh-

Okay, if I’m being realistic with myself? All of it scares me a little bit. Just a little bit. Of course it does. But the thing is that I am very, very, very blessed in that school in general is something that I’ve always been pretty good at. I’ve always been a good A/B Honor Roll student and I so I don’t do C’s much less F’s. Realistically, though I must and will stay vigilant and hardworking, I have nothing to fear here. Nothing to fear at all.

I will do everything in my power and will let nothing and no one stand in my way so that, this time next year, I’m smiling down at a nursing program acceptance letter. And I know that once I get into the nursing program (by the way, you have to pass each class to move onto the next term or, again, you’re out), I will still have nothing to fear.

But ya’ll, I’m also not gonna front about this: I am exhausted. I am worn down. Beaten down. Bitter. Angry. My health shot to shit.

Oh, yeah, and I’m exhausted.

Two and a half years of painful, fruitless, hopeless, repetitive job hunting for a job that, really, neither pays well (the standard for CMAs in Georgia is not $11.50/hr) nor is always rewarding because the workload can be herculean (prompt cares and urgent cares can see 40 patients per doctor a day…‘nuff said) have left its indelible toll on me. It is beyond ridiculous at all that I had to say fuck it, fuck everyone, and just decide to go up on the medical personnel ladder and get into nursing.

Two and a half years of this has shot so, so many parts of my health to shit and back. I am still strong academically, but I am severely weakened in several other ways. But the drive to get better, to reclaim my life, my health, and my happiness propels me forward.

I am as ill and exhausted as I am because I have been forced to sit still with no recourse all this time. Though my energy level is severely depleted, I know the only way to go is forward and up.

One thing that I am terrified of, though: I am terrified of judgement from my peers. Because I am a 24-year-old woman that still lives (rent free, by the way) with her mother. I have no home or apartment of my own; again, I live with my mother and she pays for everything. I have no personal income of my own; my mother pays for everything. I have no car of my own; my mother takes me everywhere.

And let me just take this moment to say that I am also very, very, very, very blessed to have the kind of mother that I do. She’s phenomenally supportive, encouraging, and unconditionally loving. Not once has she threatened to kick me out, not once has she sneered in derision at my declining health. All she wants is for me to get better, for me to live life.

In fact, the day after I broke the news to her that I was thinking of saying fuck it to medical assisting and just going for nursing, it was all she could talk about. She truly surprised me with how excited and encouraging she was. She immediately did the Mom Thing, which was hop on the phone and tell Everyone and Everyone means my godmother, my aunt, and about two or three of her best friends. Mom said that, though I’ve lost some time, I’m still young enough that I can go for a Bachelor’s in nursing, and then a Masters and, hell, since I love school so much, I could even make a shot for a PhD in nursing, too. And my time with the medical assisting crowd wasn’t wasted: it’s given me a foundation for nursing, given me a foundation so that when I see material that may be new to other students, I can go, “Oh, yeah, I remember that. And that, too! How exciting to see things more in-depth this time around!”

I am beyond lucky and grateful to have my mother. My main hope is to be even an eighth as good as a nurse she has been for 15 years now. My mother is a compassionate, intelligent, knowledgeable LPN that also doesn’t take shit from her patients (…what is it with you male patients who think a hospital is supposed to be your personal five start hotel…?). She inspires me and is the biggest reason that I ever wanted to go into the medical field at all. Fuck all the RNs that look down on LPNs; I will never be that way. They can kiss my ass.

Now, it’s not that I tell my business to everyone and anyone; Amarie is actually an intensely private person and most people wouldn’t think to call me that since I am simultaneously openly friendly, nice, and charming. But I am, but I know that there will surely be a classmate or two or three that will see me leave my mother’s car while we say “See you later! I love you!” to each other. And I know in detail the looks that may come forth, the underhanded comments full of judgement at my supposed lack of maturity.

It only adds to my exhaustion.

I must remind myself, though, that there are literally millions of kids like me all over the world. Shit, there are kids in their 30s that are where I am right now and it’s through no fault of their own. We’ve done our best, we’ve stretched ourselves beyond thin over miles and miles, we gotten knocked down a hundred times and were forced to get right back up a thousand more, we’ve exhausted every alternative, every corner, every space for just a single slice of autonomy, freedom, and prosperity but we’ve found nothing over and over again.

I am not alone.

I do not have a job, an income, a car, or a home of my own for reasons that are not in my control. I tried my best over and over again in this current sociopolitical atmosphere, in this economy as a black woman millennial. I tried and I am trying yet again. I am doing my best and I owe strangers and acquaintances not a goddamn motherfucking word of explanation. I am perfectly mature enough because it is about who I am/who I strive to be, not what I do and do not have.

And so this is my note to myself as I come upon this semester. A note that I do not currently believe, but need to say and hear anyway:

Maturity is not an arbitrary checklist of all the things you possess and all the things you do on your own.

Maturity is striving to do the best you can with what you do have and what you can do. Even if that’s not a whole lot.

Comments

[ymfon]

Maturity is not an arbitrary checklist of all the things you possess and all the things you do on your own.

Maturity is striving to do the best you can with what you do have and what you can do.

Three things. First, I was in a similar situation when I was your age, back in the ancient past of seven years ago, and let me tell you, I WISH I’d handled things half this well.

Second, maturity is not an arbitrary checklist of all the things you possess and all the things you do on your own. This. This thissity thisthis. Getting judged for things like how you live sucks, but it’s a sign that the judger is too young and/or immature to know much about how life works, not that there's something wrong with you.

And third, don’t sell yourself short. Maturity is also things like being able to look at a large and complex whole and pick out the important bits, noticing patterns, and understanding how things relate to a greater context. And going by your deconstructions, you seem to be remarkably good at that.

[amarie24]

Awwww, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so, so very much. Thank you. I can't tell you how many times I re-read and re-read this and how much this has made me feel better. I really can't.

...but it’s a sign that the judger is too young and/or immature to know much about how life works, not that there's something wrong with you.

I hadn't really thought of this that way before, that this is a case of them not understanding that "Out of the house and on your own by 18 or 19 isn't par for the course anymore" is a mark against them, and not me. It can be hard because, yeah, the stigma is so prevalent and the people that judge me are so, so convinced that they're somehow inherently morally superior to me because they got most or all of that checklist marked off.

So I needed to hear that.

And third, don’t sell yourself short. Maturity is also things like being able to look at a large and complex whole and pick out the important bits, noticing patterns, and understanding how things relate to a greater context. And going by your deconstructions, you seem to be remarkably good at that.

...Okay, now you also done went and made me tear up. Dear god in heaven, I had no idea you thought this of me.

[indigodragon]

This was super helpful for me to read as well. <3 Thank you so much! Some parts that really stood out to me were this:

Getting judged for things like how you live sucks, but it’s a sign that the judger is too young and/or immature to know much about how life works, not that there's something wrong with you.

And this:

And third, don’t sell yourself short. Maturity is also things like being able to look at a large and complex whole and pick out the important bits, noticing patterns, and understanding how things relate to a greater context. And going by your deconstructions, you seem to be remarkably good at that.

It really rings true to me when I asked my mom about what constitutes maturity. She said she thought it was more of knowing what you wanted to do with your life, what your passion is, and going after it, and knowing what works for you and what doesn't and having that self-knowledge to help you. It certainly fits me with my own identification of my passions of art and writing and daydreaming, and combining that into my life goal of being a published author and professional artist, and then my slow but steady working up to that goal with every day that goes by.

Hell assigning myself a life goal really helped with my existential depressions where I wondered what the point of everything was, what my purpose was, and why I was even here on this planet especially with how horrid it seemed at times. What I was "meant" to do if anything. Since I need to have a purpose I might as well assign myself one based on my passions that I've found out about myself that are quite consistent, enduring, long-lasting, and DEFF not going to fade away anytime soon. Now my work feels more like play and I enjoy going back to it whenever my health permits me to do so. I feel productive, learn a ton every day, and have a blast! <3 What can be better than that? :D

I'm so glad there's people like you out there. <3 Please know that reading what you said really helped me a lot. <3 Thank you for existing!

[silveradept]

Amen. And great skill to you in your quest - I'm pulling for you to pass your weeder classes and stay on the track.

[amarie24]

Oh, thank you, Silver! Thank you!

Uhhh..."weeder classes", though? I never heard of that. Do you mean "weeder" as in the classes that weed out those that will not make it to the program? :O

[silveradept]

Those are the ones. They're usually deliberately difficult so as to prevent the casual and the curious from getting into a program. Good grades in them are essential, but they also cause stress and anxiety.

[amarie24]

Ahhh, yeah. Thought that's what you meant.

-sighs sadly-

I understand that we're talking about healthcare and so, yeah, you don't want anyone going into your program that's going to potentially come out of it and not have the knowledge, skills, and innovation to deal with human lives. Fine, cool. I get it.

But it's...it can be so unfair in a lot of ways. Though it's probably futile, I personally hope that I won't have too many classmates forced to drop out. :(

[silveradept]

You'll gather some, you'll lose some, all the way to the end. But hopefully, the end result will be a good thing for you and you'll have a good cohort to work with.

[amarie24]

Aww, yeah, I know! And thanks-I hope that I'll have a good cohort to work with, too! :D

I just mean (and, really, I should've clarified), that I...I'm not really looking forward to watching people struggle and eventually be forced to drop out. My school, as you may imagine, is chock-full of black and brown students and a lot of those students are much, much older women that are just trying to reclaim their lives, get some economic footing, be a cushion/backup plan for their children & grandchildren, who may not have anyone else, etc.

My mother was part of this student body way, way back in the day, over 16 years ago and she was lucky to be one of the younger, more energetic ones.

It's just that when you get older and tired, a lot of times it's harder to digest, retain, & recall information. Shit just don't stick like it used to. I'm reminded of when I was having a study session over lunch w/one of my older black women friends there (I get to make a ton and I look forward to making even more come this semester), and the material for this particular class was fucking boring and simplistic as hell. Seriously-you ain't never in your life experienced a boring class until you took this one and another one. Ugh.

But we were going over our notes before the test and it was just difficult for her to remember the information. This had nothing to do with how easy the material was-it's just that, well...when you're older, shit just don't stick like it used to.

So now I'm going into this advanced Anatomy & Physiology class where the material is quite a bit on the hard side (I mean, the kickstarter program they emailed us? I'm on the chapter where they're talking about atoms, elements, protons, neutrons, etc.). And...ugh, I just know I'll have classmates that struggle and, realistically, I won't be able to help every single person or even know that someone is struggling in the first place. It's gonna be hard to watch and be around.

-headdesk-

[silveradept]

Yes, it'll be hard. For that, you can thank an education system that wants to be sure that only a certain number of people graduate with certain qualifications. And yes, it's not as easy to go back and retrain in these situations, which only makes it worse when the weedeaters come out to play.

[amarie24]

...Indeed, we shall thank the education system for this, as well as a great many other things. Ugh. -___-

Sorry for the heart-spilling rambles, I hope you don't mind

[indigodragon]

It really helped to read this coming from you. :) I feel in the same boat as you. <3 I've gotten shit myself as well from others about not "moving fast enough" or not really... have not really ticked most things off that "adult list" like some of my friends have. :/

Let me count the ways...

-Still have not moved past those two times of driving under my mother's eye. No driver's ED classes so not licensed because my crashes first started right when I was trying my hardest to tackle the adulting list.

-Only did community college for three weeks with one class that met twice a week, and it was intro to Psych 101 class. That, combined with the attempting to learn to drive, caused me to have three horrific stuck-to-bed crashes - the first ones I EVER had in my life. It drove me to a panic and took three weeks, almost a MONTH to get better to the point of even leaving my house again and doing my usual stuff again.

-Still living with my parents and doesn't look like that's changing anytime soon.

-I can't even do that college do you REALLY think I'm able-bodied enough to have a godforsaken 9 to 5 JOB?! Nope. I say I'm "self-employed writer and artist" instead even though I've not really gotten anything money in return for my work yet. I'm moving slowly towards that future (because I'm really really scared of pushing myself too far and repeating that infamous college/driving disaster again.)

-I have a credit card and bank account, but the only place my money comes is my weekly allowance from my mom.

-I spend most of my days in my bed because sitting up for too long drains me. Imagine trying to stand on my feet for too long? Ughhh....

-I have been loosing my ability to do as much of the outside stuff as I used to. I used to be able to do four or five things a week, be it appointments and whatever mixture of classes. One of those was also an active one like beginning longsword practice, Zumba, belly-dancing, or something like that. Now...? I get out only twice a week for two necessary appointments (usually a reiki healing and my therapist meeting). ......... *SIGHS and shakes head*

-I spend most of my time online because I can do that while lying down.

-I look at exercise with great wariness because doing just a LITTLE bit too much of that knocks me out FLAT the way nothing else can. Hmm, one more minute of jumping jacks or my ability to even get out of bed tomorrow? Betcha you can guess what I always choose. =_=

-Because of increasingly not able to do as much exercise as I could've before, I've been gaining weight. From 182 to now 195 lb. But I can't just "eat less" to compensate. I get sooooo tired and dragging if I eat too little and get headaches and become listless.

-I already eat pretty damn healthy even if I do like my cheesy pastas and sweet potatoes a lot. My food is focused on a lot of veggies and some meat. I take a lot of supplements. So yeah I have that going for me at least.

-I still have to spend like half my day asleep to really be able to be awake and productive and able to do things and to be able to recover faster from a crash or some energy drain the previous day. Asking me to do something less than 8 hours of sleep is risking it. Less than 6 hours? FORGET IT. I cannot.

So yeah I've had to find my own independence in other ways. I've had to get my parents to see that I'm an adult now and not just an overgrown child in my own ways. Ugh so many talks and interesting conversations. <.< >.> But paid off in the end thankfully. XP

What's not so fun is the sadness, almost gloom that settles over me anytime I need to do something important but I look at my schedule and know I can't move these other appointments or suffer adverse side effects (the reiki particularly), so I have to waaaaait before I can do this important thing until after those other necessary stuff have been done. I can't rush things. I really can't rush things, because I can't afford to. What's not so fun is being asked what I've been up to lately and KNOWING It doesn't "sound that impressive" compared to all my college-bound, out of the house living, job-holding friends. At least one of those friends doesn't have a driver's license like me, though one of them who does have one gave us crap about it.

>__< So what I can do is focus on my art and writing!! After all, you don't need a college degree to be a published author or a professional artist. You don't have to spend years getting the foundation you need before you can do anything with it. You can work on it at your own pace RIGHT NOW. So that's something I can do! X3

...I just wish I had the guts to be honest and stand up for myself whenever I get crap from my friends about how many notes I'm taking for my writing. They always seem to go right off the bat to "You're crazy to be able to do this. Are you a robot?! You're so fucking weird for being able to do this. Especially to find such things FUN. E__e" ......... ;~; ......don't down my fun and what I can still do *whispers* It's important to me.... I need to be able to do this as an author and my liking to do this as FUN and feeling like PLAY to me is just an even better bonus. ;~;

//LOONG ramble about emotional issues below, feel free to skip if needed//

And it's not fun also having all the stuff you've repressed since childhood as childhood issues and evidence of emotional abuse come up and for you to have to deal with them. X_X I learned recently why I tend to react with anger or avoidance whenever someone criticizes my sleep schedule or shows any worry or censorship towards it. It's tangled up with always having my feelings invalid and always ignored if I dare admit that I had trouble sleeping on a normal schedule, along with being blamed for having trouble like I should snap fingers and be able to just instantly do it. (Nevermind sleep issues - insomnia, sleeping a lot, even sleep reversal - are all SYMPTOMS OF SEID >_< ) I know now why I've seemed like I snapped back or lashed out with rage whenever my friends dared to criticize that part of my life. I don't want my feelings to be rendered null and void by them, to be stomped over, in their process to demand that I adhere to a certain sleep schedule that my body consistently has great difficulty with matching.

It's why I don't dare breathe a word of it to my mom, for fear of what she's going to do in her hopes to "fix" it. It's why I still hide it, skulk around the house early in the morning with bated breath even now, out of fear of waking her up and making her angry at me for "obviously NOT adhering to the correct sleep schedule" and then suffering through her random and jarring interruptions when I'm awake at night for me to "GO TO SLEEP" like she'd always do when I was growing up... (Even though she's not done that in two years at the least.) When you're deaf and can't hear someone come up, it's extra jarring.

I don't have the privilege of being able to ever lock my door because my parents are afraid that if there's a fire and they need to wake me up to get me to safety that if my door is locked that they wouldn't be able to get to me in time. As a result though... I've never REALLY known a "safe, completely private room" and any such sudden appearance by my parents irrespective of my wishes or mood at the time, is all the more jarring and anxiety-producing. I guess I learned why I used to have fearful almost paranoia of being attacked when I'm asleep and why I need so desperately for my boyfriend to sleep with me and be between me and the door. Especially to protect my vulnerable back. I sleep the soundest when I know he's there to take down any threat that may come up when I am deprived of all my senses and any ability to sense someone coming up beforehand.

But yeah... yah know that thing where you don't feel the full impact of things (especially emotions) when you're a kid and in a dangerous situation? When often times you experience it vividly years later, especially as an adult, because NOW you're grown up enough to be able to process it fully, and also are usually away from that original situation and are in a [hopefully] "safer" one? (Where I first learned about this here: http://indi-flying-with-dragons.tumblr.com/post/146680315174/furiousgoldfish-trauma-processing-information )

Yeah all that terror, fear, panic, anxiety, stress, and upset emotions all hit me a couple nights back and I've had to mull it over quietly and process since then. I seriously was overwhelmed by it at many points and had to keep reminding myself to just let the feelings flow through me and out of me with no mental interruptions in order to do so. None of the "logical shutting down and invalidating of my emotions" that I've been taught so well by my engineering emotion-repressed parents. At least my boyfriend was SUPER helpful when that happened and helped me to feel safe enough to just cry into his chest and babble it out and offered me the love and support and emotional validation I was desperately searching for all this time.

Yeah... never fun when you have to face the things that happened when you were growing up. Especially if you never realized it was actually emotional abuse because it DID hurt you THAT MUCH but you were just told it "isn't that bad" by everyone around you and so you're not sure if it IS that bad or not... while your bleeding heart whimpers that it really is.

At least my boyfriend helps so much especially when he started to just calm me down about my anxieties of "HAVE to be in bed and asleep by this time!!!!" and fear of "causing huge damage/terrible things if I don't" that was always vague but severe enough to get me to tense up and not be able to go to sleep period until I was able to calm down and think of other things, and quite literally shove that "due date" out of my mind and just go with my body instead. He's helping me realize my emotional health is important too and if I take a couple extra minutes (or even a half-hour) over my "mentally assigned sleeping time" in order to calm down and feel happy when I finally do close the lid of my laptop for bed, then it pays back when I'm able to fall asleep faster after I do that, compared to if I tried to stick with the "assigned sleeping time" (which always comes to me with all the stress and pressure equivalent to a looming deadline in work or project) then I usually toss and turn in bed for hours and beat myself up for every minute "wasted" awake and then tear myself up into an anxiety spiral of self-blame of it being "all my fault for not doing better, for failing at this, for screwing myself over tomorrow because of this."

Yeah even if the comments of my mom and friends and others all tell me to "choose a sleeping time and stick with it," and doctors usually agreeing, then I get the former result which hurts me a LOT. But if I go with what my boyfriend gently suggests, by taking that extra time out to calm down, be happy, laugh at something online, read something funny and sweet, then I'm able to calm down enough to get into a mental state of "fuck it. Fuck those people. Fuck the future. I'm doing what's best for me NOW." and I'm able to fall asleep faster and with a more relaxed ease, and usually deeper sleep now that I think about it. Hmm.

He's also been helping me in the same way to not pressure myself about my anxiety over "needing to eat less to offset the weight gain" especially since I can't exercise as much if at all these days, but if I eat any less than what I'm doing right now I get too exhausted (even more than usual) to do much if anything with headaches and gloomy mood and am not fit for anything. He's also been helping me to see my body as something that's beautiful even if it's "overweight" and nothing like the skinniness that society has just crushed into us to care so much about.

Goddamnit he helps me SO much. <3 With all his gentle suggestions, words of love and support, validation of my emotions, and gentle reminders to check in with myself with how *I* am REALLY feeling, what I REALLY need, not what I "SHOULD" need or feel based on what everybody else has told me. He helps me turn my focus from everybody else around me, back into myself and my heart and my body. He reminds me to take care of myself FIRST, and that emotional health is IMPORTANT. And that no matter how "badly" I screw up, I'm still loveable and wonderful and amazing and that NEVER changes. No matter if I do the opposite of what he expects, don't do what I'm "supposed to do," or am contradictory. I'm STILL loveable and wonderful and amazing all the same. (Huge huge huge huuuuuge difference from what I remember growing up with, of being left to deal with my strong emotions all alone with the sense of not "supposed to feel that" so "stop your complaining and shut up and deal with it." Even if those words weren't said exactly in that way, the intent and message was clear. Even many of my friends sent that message too, so I blame society really.) So he's like a breath of fresh, desperately needed air with his much healthier messages that he shares from his own family and home.

//end rambling//

Sorry for the emotional heart pouring onto here. I get you so much I feel you. <3 Even if it's a different situation with different emotional wounds, we're similar enough that it makes me so happy to see someone else "like me" so I'm not so alone in this. <3 *HUGS*

I just... *sighsssss* this is quite literally THE SAFEST PLACE I have to be able to talk about this. THE SAFEST. I don't dare bring it up to my friends, and ESPECIALLY NOT my parents. Not my reiki healer. She doesn't get things like that. ....Maybe Melissa but IDK I have this upcoming session be about reading through the permission form needed for her and me to sign so that I can officially move onto T. I really need to do that. ...But I also might benefit from talking to her about this? IDK. *SIGHS* Anyways... this is quite literally the safest and most understanding place to rant/ramble about this aside from to my boyfriend. Perhaps this and my boyfriend are my ONLY two places. *sighs* Whelp.

Anyways. Sorry about the word wall. >//< I hope you don't mind too much...? Feel free to ignore if you wish to. Wishing you the best of good luck with everything in your life. <3 The reminders you wrote down are ones that I read over to myself to remember as well. <3 So thank you SO very much for that. x3 You're a blessing. Thank you for existing! <3

Re: Sorry for the heart-spilling rambles, I hope you don't mind

[amarie24]

-hugs you so, so tight and so, so close- No, darling, thank you for existing. Thank you so, so very much.

Re: Sorry for the heart-spilling rambles, I hope you don't mind

[indigodragon]

*hugs back tightly* Awww thank you. <3 I needed to hear that to be honest. :) I'm still so glad you're you and existing and such a wonderful person! ~ <3

I've been doing some private work to process and deal with all the stuff I ranted/rambled about and I'm slowly getting there to coming to terms with it all. It still really helps to hear this from you, someone I respect a lot. :) You're an amazing person! <3

Re: Sorry for the heart-spilling rambles, I hope you don't mind

[amarie24]

D'aaaaaaaaaaaw, I teared up a little bit! You respect me a lot and think I'm such an amazing person?! Well, thank you and the feeling is more than mutual, my friend! :D :D :D

And I'm glad you're doing private work to deal with everything; that takes a hella lotta strength and bravery. You got this! :D

Re: Sorry for the heart-spilling rambles, I hope you don't mind

[indigodragon]

I do! :3 You ARE an amazing person! <3 And awww thank you for thinking it be mutual. <3

Yes thank you! :3 It certainly does take a lot of strength, bravery, and courage to go through the self-healing path no matter how long it takes. :) Thank you so much for that reminder, it helps me a lot! <3

[lonespark]

I have been thinking SO MUCH about this post. I have all the thoughts, and also FEEEELS about it, but sporadic keyboard access...

The whole world needs this Sharpied on their foreheads, I feel like...

"Maturity is not an arbitrary checklist of all the things you possess and all the things you do on your own."

Because ableism. Because classism. Because cultural difference. For a frillion reasons!

[lonespark]

Not to mention the fact that, by the time I was your age, I had rushed into making A LOT of really bad decisions. To a great extent it was privilege that let me make them, so maybe you and others would love the chance and they would be bad for you. But my mistakes had real and lasting consequences for me and other people, including people I accidentally helped create. Life Plan Number 3.5 or whatever involves undoing or riding out a lot of those.

[amarie24]

I need you to know that it took me so long to reply to your comments because I was staring at them trying not to burst into tears. I am deeply touched and extremely humbled that you think so much of me at all. And you're not the only one that's older than me and says, "Hey, I was in a similar situation when I was your age and you're doing pretty great for yourself, kiddo! Just hang in there!"

I mean, I know you said it's because you made a lot of bad decisions back in the day, but at least you're up and at 'em and trying again. That's yet another thing that inspires me: even if it'll still be [somewhat] hard when I'm older, I know of people that have still be trooping over and through. I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

And yes, I hope to become a wonderful nurse like my mother! Yes, yes, yes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. -hugs-

[lonespark]

Also my ex-husband did I similar thing in a different part of the medical profession, that seemed impossible and was/is HARD AS HELL, especially on his family, but is also really good for the future and definitely the right decision in retrospect.

You deserve to be where this can get you. You do and your mom deserves to be along for the ride.

Another thing is the world will totally benefit from Nurse!Amarie. Good people, empathetic people who don't make BS assumptions, who can actually relate to and respect patients, are badly needed in all the upper levels of the medical-industrial complex. If it helps to think of it as a religious or humanistic imperative, then...yeah.

You are brilliant and awesome. Your life is already super-hard in ways it shouldn't be. I think this journey can be something that's dreadfully hard but in a meaningful, engaging way. A win-win for you and the people you will help.

[indigodragon]

A little short thing to read that I wrote up tonight from being inspired by something my boyfriend told me that really helped me. I wrote it up here on my tumblr: http://indi-flying-with-dragons.tumblr.com/post/147587544449/the-true-meaning-of-bravery-and-strength

I wanted to share it with you Amarie in case it could help you too. :) And if you wanted to reblog it or reshare it in another post (Like the Awesome Sauce links post)with credit to me and my bf, then feel free to do so! :) <3 I want it to be spread so that people who need to hear those words like I did, can hear them and have it help them like it helped me. <3

Transcript:

"The True Meaning of Bravery and Strength

Tonight when I was battling my emotional wounds over my sleep issues that I’ve incurred all my life up until this point, my boyfriend had something wonderful to share with me that was a revelation for me to hear.

Being brave and strong doesn’t mean that you have no wounds. Being brave and strong means being wounded, injured, and forging ahead anyways even if you’re close to collapse.

(Said by Ravi, my boyfriend to me.)

I was so moved by this, it wasn’t just a breath of fresh air. It was like the skies opened up and bathed me with the sunlight of this truth.

I chose to write it down and save it to my computer so I will always be able to access this wisdom and perfect advice. I also added to it below:

Being brave and strong is not exclusive to being fragile, shaken, vulnerable, and injured.

Being brave and strong is complementary and grows from being fragile, shaken, vulnerable, and injured. And yes this means emotional, mental, and spiritual wounds in addition to the much lauded physical injuries.

When you are shaking, fragile, vulnerable, and bleeding, when you feel like you’ve endured so much to the point of feeling like brittle glass, it’s hard to feel like you are brave and strong. But you truly ARE brave and strong at this moment. Because you feel all that and you’re forging ahead anyways. You feel all that and you keep on living. You feel all that and you keep on breathing.

That is the true meaning of strength and courage and bravery.

I wanted to share this all with you because I know I’m not the only one to feel fragile and beaten down by life’s problems and the reopened wounds in adulthood and the constant train of remorseless anxiety.

These words helped me so much to hear it, that it’s made me stronger to realize how strong I truly am. I hope it helps you just as much too. <3

(Additional note: Yes my boyfriend is an Aries, which just goes to show you how beautifully perfect their words can be when you need it most, and how moving it is because they speak bluntly from their heart so you know they mean it 1000000% with no uncertainty. Best pep talks ever.)"

[amarie24]

Oh my god, this is a pep talk from an Aries. A perfect, wonderful, uplifting pep talk.

A'ight, you're tryna get me to cry is what you're doing. I see that now. Imma put it in my Awesome Sauce Sharing post for sure with credits, but just know that I'm tearing up on my side of the world.

You are so impossibly kind and compassionate, but you talk about me like I'm the only one. Dear god in heaven, I needed that.

[indigodragon]

It really is. :3 I guess the difference between me the Virgo and him the Aries is that he just said those two sentences full of meaning in that moment. I realized how wonderful they were (and still are) and elaborated upon them to also help others, not just me. He's still pretty embarrassed about having the words he just said without thinking, in the moment, and yet with 10000% sincerity, being so lauded by me and treated as something that's quite amazing and wonderful and uplifting when he was just speaking his truth at that moment. He also keeps saying I'm far more eloquent than he is, and has some difficulty realizing the moments where he just says things pure and simple and perfect in a few concise words that would take me paragraphs of exposition to get to lol.

It's part of why I adore him and his Aries brothers, because with that blunt honest sincerity, they often give some of the best pep talks ever. :) <3

I wasn't trying to make you cry! O.O But I did want it to be moving and help people on the deep personal levels like it helped me. :3 <3 I'm so glad you want to put it in your Awesome Sauce Sharing post at all so thank you so much. <3 *gives many hugs*

....Well now...awww... >//< What can I say back to that? Other than you are indeed impossibly kind and compassionate too. >///< *hugs again* I'm so so so happy that it helps you so much. :3 <3 Just as you've helped me so much in return. <3

[indigodragon]

Yes! I totally second what lonespark said above:

Good people, empathetic people who don't make BS assumptions, who can actually relate to and respect patients, are badly needed in all the upper levels of the medical-industrial complex.

I still am touched by all the good, kind, caring doctors and nurses I've met in my life, just like I've been touched by all the teachers who really cared about me and helped me by supporting me in the heartfelt way that they did.

There was one moment that touched me deeply (sorry for the rambling ;; )

I remember being SUPER touched one time I was in a lot of pain, fear, and emotional upset during a road trip with my mother because I was having a horrific nosebleed that didn't stop or dwindle for a half-hour and I didn't know why. I could barely breathe with all the hot blood choking my throat and when we had tried to visit Mount Rushmore is when the nosebleed started. We had to drive back to the emergency room and while we were waiting to be admitted it finally dwindled down. I got a cursory look over and then was sent out. We tried again to visit Mount Rushmore, this time it started up again and lasted for two hours on the long drive back to that town. It was still going at full blast when I staggered into the same emergency room, pale and haunted-looking with bloody tissues stuffed up my nose and getting drenched in the time I was standing there, and was admitted instantly to a doctor and a nurse to get it checked out.

The nurse was guarded and didn't really show much, but the doctor was so open, empathetic and unusually expressive, his face was kind and his voice was so gentle and soothing, more so than your standard "bedside voice." You could tell he really cared and was genuinely worried about my distress and truly wanted to do whatever he could to ease it and help me. I ended up having to have burning frikin' prods coated in something stuck all the way up my nasal cavity on both sides to stop whatever cut must've happened up there. I remember screaming and trying not to thrash and I could see him deeply affected by it when the nurse was more on lockdown (seemed cold and dispassionate but I think that was a guard to help her get through the day) which I don't fault her for. When it finally stopped 10 to 20 minutes later like he said it would, I thanked him so much for it and he was beaming and so happy at being able to help.

I mean even just the reversal of my expectations alone would've made this a striking pair (because ya know the stereotype is the cold emotionless doctor man with the empathetic and compassionate bedside-manner nurse woman and they seemed the reverse of that truly), but in my time of need his manner and behavior was exactly what I needed. Cold and dispassionate would've freaked me out more. Warm, open, caring, and empathetic soothed me and made me feel like I was in caring hands that truly wanted to help me heal. Even though I KNOW as an emotionally-open person the hell you endure to BE that open and around so many people's pain all day, I still truly appreciate and love and prize everybody I come across that is just as open and compassionate and sharing of that love as I am. It's a beautiful soul indeed to be with. <3

Just saying that story to share something that still touches me greatly, the kindness and compassion of a virtual stranger I never saw before and would never see again.

(For the ironic twist to the ending of that story is that my mom got the news my dad had a stroke and was in the hospital and he had been said to have had that stroke at the VERY DAMN TIME my nosebleed occurred. WTF?! Even weirder is I've never had a nosebleed in my life before or since really. So...weird... Btw he's fine and all that was affected was his sense of direction but he walks and talks and behaves like normal, it was 4 to 5 years ago and he's well recovered. Still weird that timing. My mom joked that all the blood that rushed into his head must've tried to come out of MINE.)

I wish you the best of luck with becoming a nurse! We NEED wonderfully compassionate people like you in the medical industry! <3 And as someone enduring the gauntlet of the "diagnostic rule out" that means talking to dozens of different doctors and nurses to figure out wtf is up with my health issues, the need for the genuinely kind and caring and wonderful people like you is even higher and all the MORE appreciated. <3 You're needed and valued for the wonderful human being you are and that's your precious and beautiful gift to the world! <3

[amarie24]

Oh my goodness...you went through all of that shit and you still do. I am so, so, so very sorry, friend. You are phenomenally strong, brave and true-just like your boyfriend, Ravi, says!

I absolutely do hope to be a wonderful nurse! It'll be a road getting through school for sure, but I'm looking forward to it!! -hugs tightly again-

[indigodragon]

Yeah. :) I don't realize it most of the time but yeah I went through hell and back in many ways in my life. It just makes me want to help people more so that they don't have to feel the same pain I did. :)

You've also went through a lot in your life, so you're phenomenally brave and strong yourself too. <3 We all do what we can, day by day, to get through things. :) To live life.

I wish you all the best with that, I'm sure you'll be an AMAZING nurse! <3 Good luck with school, you can do it. :3 *hugs tightly in return*