amarie24

Mommy: -watching the modern-day reboot of The Magnificent Seven, with Denzel Washington-

Mommy: -points to the screen- Hey look, Amarie! It's Denzel-the only main black dude here!

Me: -looks at the screen- Oh, cool! But is there any main black lady that shows up here?

Mommy: -pouts a little- Ehh...not that I know of. I'll call you if she comes, tho.

Me: -already walking out of her room- Alrighty! But don't let me know if she's a slave, 'cause that'll just be the same thing.

Mommy: -gigglesnorts-



--Amarie

I am so fucking angry today, Jesus Christ almighty on a cucumber…

Just so many bad memories coming up from so many angles and I can’t squash them down quickly enough. Anger at my fuckass nursing program, anger at classmates who I thought were my friends, anger at my mother, anger at the teacher that wouldn’t teach and victim blamed me so brazenly, anger at my mother holy fucking shit history is flaring up. I’ve literally been tearing up, yelling the shit I want to yell at all of these people, and otherwise being too much on a hot wire to even cuddle my cat or try to write.

I guess it’s part of the grief process, but I hate this tight, hot feeling in my chest-I grew up with that shit and I know I’ll always know this feeling.

I’m just so, so angry.

I’m gonna go see the new Dragon Ball Super: Broly movie and the Bumblebee movie tomorrow. Hopefully it’ll help me calm down…

You din went and made me cry is what you just done did!!!!




Why, why, why, why?!?!??! Ya'll be oh-so very kind and sweet and indulgent with me and I don't understand it and I be crying up a storm and whhhhhyyyyy?!?!?!?!

Thank you, friend. Thank you oh-so very, very, very much. I deeply love & appreciate everything. I don't have time to read them right now, but as soon as I do rest assured that I'll dig in with relish!!!!


P.S Also, the reason I haven't been around much is because nursing school is just...god, I hate this program. I...don't know if I'll pass this time around and I am beyond exhausted and burnt out. But please ya'll always know that I try my very best and do as much as I can. Love ya and see you soon!!!!



--Amarie

And gracious me, it was the greatest pleasure and honor to do so! A black woman getting a shot at being the 1st United States governor and she's from my lil ol' sorry ass Peach State.

I love it. I love it so, so very much.

Note: You’ll have to forgive me for this being so late. Yesterday, I had to be at a motherfucking day care all day as part of my pediatric clinical rotation. Ya’ll, I…I…there are people-real, live, flesh and blood human beings-who want to do that kind of thing for a living.

Like…they actually make the choice to go to school, pay money in the form of tuition, graduate with their degree…and then spend their days. Doing this shit. Sometimes from, like, 6:30am on the dot to as late as 6 or 7pm. I…ya’ll.

And the lil classrooms, which are sectioned by the age of the kids? Ya’ll, they ain’t even got grown-up chairs for us adults to sit in. My fucking back and legs are still sore from sitting in them itty bitty toddler chairs, lord. I have no idea how my ass fit in there. And my arms are fucking sore from picking up and cuddling screaming, clinging babies that day, too.

And lord have mercy, toddlers will throw hands and scream bloody murder over a toy.

Which they promptly forget about five seconds later when you put a new toy in front of them.

I assure you, though, that I was on my absolute best behavior. They gave me high-ass marks on my paper when they signed it. And I promptly left at 2:30 on the head. –shudders-

But anyway! Pell Grant story!

So, a little into my semester at school (and well after my mother forked over the money for my tuition), I received an email from my financial aid office that basically said they were reviewing the total number/percentage of hours that I’d reached. Because remember that you can only take so many hours (classes) before Pell Grant cuts your sorry ass off permanently.

My first and lasting impression was indignant anger because…it is a number. That I either did or did not reach. And even if I didn’t, well I’ve still suffered from all of this stress and my mother paid all of this money and I’ve been through all of this bullshit just to get an RN beside my name and what in the fresh fuck are you people doing.

They said I’d receive another email about their decision once they were done deliberating. Again, I was like…it’s a number that I either did or didn’t reach. And besides which, I was perfectly convinced that nothing would change anyway and so the emails were a waste of time.

Fast-forward to about another week and it’s yet another email letting me know to come into the financial aid office to talk with one of the advisors/officers about the decision. They specifically told me to come after the end of August, so as to escape the new-semester crowd. I was like…I wouldn’t put it past my school to tell me to come in for paper that’s going to be meaningless in the end. But I logged the date in my agenda and made a note to go there in-between my Med Surg II and Peds class on Tuesday. I mean, why the hell not? It’s just gonna be useless paper anyway.

But I went (and saw an old friend right inside the front double doors, too! I gave him the biggest hug ever and was excited to learn that he’s getting into occupational therapy now! Wooo!!). I signed in and then didn’t have to wait very long before one of the financial aid officers told me that I was basically just given a warning that I was about to max out my Pell Grant, not that it was ending.

…My face must’ve said something without my mouth moving because she asked me if I wanted to see the financial aid director, Mrs. B. I told her that yes, I would like that and, no, I didn’t mind having to wait for just a little bit longer.

So I waited some more and eventually Mrs. B came out to get me herself. I’d met her before-she’s a kind lady, a competent lady, and a pretty black lady, y’know? I remembered to stay as polite and patient as I could because it doesn’t do to take your frustrations and fears out too early. No need to be an ass unless and until someone shows you their ass.

-deep breath- So I sat down in Mrs. B’s office. Her office is really nice-warm, brown tones and mini figurines, statues, and paintings of elephants everywhere. There are awards everywhere for her doing all she can to help students find the money to get where they need to go. Papers, folders, and sticky notes are also everywhere, but they’re well organized. Not chaotic at all.

I still had to bite my tongue when I sat down. Mrs. B prolly noticed it, since she said, “Thank you for taking the time to come and see me.”

And ya’ll…

In a nutshell? Because I still tear up a little bit thinking about it? This…this woman and whomever else she worked with…

What they did? They realized that a lot of students-not just me-were coming close to maxing out their financial aid, be it Pell Grants, loans, and everything else in-between. So they looked at all of the transcripts to see 1.) the student’s major and where they were on the path to completing that major and 2.) what, if any, classes they could omit from the student’s official count towards their usage of their financial aid, so long as it didn’t apply to their current major.

So for me? Well, remember that I’d initially attended this school for a medical assisting degree long, long before I came back for a nursing degree. Hell, long before I ever dreamed I’d even think about being a nurse. But a lot classes required to enter and get through the medical assisting program are not at all required to enter and get through the nursing program.

All of those classes that I didn’t use for nursing…they cut those out. And so that cut the amount of hours I used down and made the amount of Pell Grant that I have left go up.

As a result, I was covered for this semester and well into next semester.

I did not know they could do this. I had no idea they could do this.

I told Mrs. B that my mother still paid all of that money for my tuition. She asked me if I had a laptop or my phone on me. I pulled out my faithful Pinky and she commented on my cute rainbow-colored keyboard. She had me log into my school email, go to the financial aid tab…and see all of my Pell Grant that will come in the mail in the form of a check and straight back into our pockets, since my mother paid my tuition this time.

I started crying like the crybaby I am. I apologized to her and said I knew that she had many other students to see. But she just smiled at me, reached into her drawer to pull out some Dunkin’ Donuts napkins, and handed them to me so I could cry in peace. She said she actually had to go take care of some things outside of her office for a moment, so I was more than free to just sit there in the chair and cry my freakin’ heart out.

Once I got my bearings, I tearfully thanked her and went on my way. I sat outside on a bench and called Mommy to let her know the amazing news.

And, well…ya’ll, my Pell Grant was saved. Just so long as I can finish up this semester and then my last one next semester…holy fucking shit, I still have financial aid.

"You have to learn how to believe & accept compliments from people. You have to learn that when people say good things about you, it's true and you deserve it.

Because when you reject compliments, you reject yourself."


-Amarie's therapist




(Yes, I'm cry.)